The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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