I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
