rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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