I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
