If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize