What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
