never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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