some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize