yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
