a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
