in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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