i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
