i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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