final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
