what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
