Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you will always have a special place in my vag
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
