i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
