I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
