Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
