I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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