Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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