i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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