to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
