I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
