We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
