is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
God, I missed his penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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