I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I currently don't understand fingers.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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