My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
