she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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