What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
