She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
