apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize