i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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