i jhust puked up my retainher.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
