high people should be assigned attendants
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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