so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
