sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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