k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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