You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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