When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
