Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
