If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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