I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
