forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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