im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
