If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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