If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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