I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
