i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
