I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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