This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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