Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
FUCK WHALES
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
