apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
