I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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