Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize