I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
