Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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