He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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