I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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