Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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