at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
