Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
