P.S. I can't hear my feet
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
