It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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